I very vividly recall one afternoon, getting ready for a basketball game in my best friend Heather's room in her old house on Albemarle Lane. We were both cheerleaders, so getting ready took some time - identical pleated skirts, Asics shoes, BHS socks and of course ponytails with giant maroon ribbons. I was a senior in high school and she a junior, and we had been best friends for nigh on a decade at that point, and there wasn't much that the other didn't know about each other.
Until that day. Until that moment, I didn't realize I was... sort of an outlier. Lacking... a gene? An emotion? A... I don't know... a chromosome that most females have in their DNA?
What I don't recall is exactly how the subject came up. All I know is the conversation turned this way:
Me: What are you talking about?
Heather: What do you mean?
Me: I mean, what do you mean you can't wait to have a baby? You're SIXTEEN.
Heather: I don't mean NOW. Good lord, I haven't even gone to college. I mean, someday.
Me: Are you crazy? What are you talking about?
Heather: A little part of me, and a little part of the man I'm going to marry! I can't think of anything more wonderful. A little baby!
Me: I don't think so.
Heather: What are YOU TALKING ABOUT? You don't want a baby?
Me: No.
Heather: WHAT?
Me: No way.
Heather: WHAT?????
Me: Just - no. I don't want that.
Heather: *stunned silence*
Me: *shrugs*
Heather: But think, sweet heads, dressing babies, teeny clothes, the love of a child!!!
Me: Throw up, diapers, and I'll have to buy a kid a car someday, and right now I don't even own one myself.
And that's pretty much how I've lived my life ever since. It never occurred to me to want a child. Even when I got married. Even when I was married for more than a decade. Everyone kept saying, from the time I was a teen, through my twenties, into my thirties - you'll understand one day. You'll one day get the urge. You'll find the desire. You'll understand when the feeling happens.
But I never did.
And so... when my marriage ended after fifteen years, there was no regret that I was left childless. On the contrary, I was grateful that I had no tie left to an ex- or an ex-family.
Until one day....
I was bustling about my apartment getting ready to host an informal dinner for my then-boyfriend and his daughter from a previous marriage. And I had agreed to babysit for a couple of hours for a friend with a toddler while she ran errands. And I was absently straightening the apartment, keeping an eye on supper, keeping the child away from the overly-inquisitive cat, when my boyfriend and his daughter walked in ....
and the toddler toddled into his path ....
and they proceed faced off....
and sized each other up.
And the shy child that I had known since birth decided she liked what she saw. And raised her arms, and silently asked to be picked up.
And he bent over and did.
And, SON OF A BITCH, if one unused uterus in the room didn't scream. Out loud, in that moment.
dammit.
And everything that they ever said ended up being true. And I didn't know it until that moment.
I didn't know. I swear, I didn't know.
It wasn't that I didn't want to have a baby. I knew, with every fiber of my being, I didn't want to have a baby... with him. I just didn't know what I didn't know.
So. Now. It's too late. I'm too old, he's too old. I'm left with what's left. He's a full time dad, so I get to be full time.... wife? Supporter of him and his parental decisions?
Because I hate the word step-mom. It feels so clunky. I just feel like a babysitter for someone else's kid.
So.... we're doing this, right?
Helllllppp.....
